They say Friday nights are for the piss/
But Dan Murphy’s specials are always hit or miss/
When I want vodka the special is rum/
No wonder I steal my grog from mum/
Five drinks and I can talk to girls/
Ten drinks later the rejection doesn’t hurt/
In fifteen drinks the host is clutching her pearls/
And in twenty, I’m kickin’ goals like James Hird/

In my younger days I'd fight, to remain an intellectual kind/
But a two-for-one coopers slab, is a deal one just can't deny/
Graduate high school then, you’re thinkin’ life is not that hard/
But one thing leads to another, then you get a Dan Murphy's member card/

I got big thick books I pretend to read/
I got a high-school doctrate of philosophy/
I define myself by what I drink
I read Shakespeare and pretend to think/
I have small sparks of genius from time-to-time/
I can quote Wikipedia and blow your mind/
I get my politics from a Youtube show/
There’s probably more to me but I don’t know/

Scotch or bourbon, my dad would ask/
But I couldn’t care less what fills my glass/
Cause earlier that day before my final math test/
Drank Listerine to take off the edge/
Never thought, that I would end up a pisshead/
Never crossed my mind it was ‘rehab or end up dead’/
Always thought that ol’ Dan had my health in mind/
But loyalty points can’t replace this liver of mine/

If a German guy once wrote, immediate desire is a living thing/
Is it mass murder if I indulge, in a slab of Furphy and a fifth of gin?/
Graduate high school and then, you’re thinkin’ life is not that hard/
But one thing leads to another, then you get a Dan Murphy's member card/

They say that the Anzacs had it rough/
But wait until you have to piss into a trough/
And the cops came round to shut us down/
We told them to get a real job and ran into town/
Breathless and tired we approached the Deck/
Slipped past security with a couple longnecks/
When the bar refused to fill our cups/
I tried quoting Oscar Wilde, and then threw up/

There’s probably more to me but I don’t know/